tunnel vision

Have you ever experienced life as though you were living it through a tunnel? Like looking through an "all used up" paper towel roll. You can see that things are happening all around you, you are involved with several things all at once, you hear the voices and see the sights yet you can hardly stay focused, you can barely keep track of what you're doing...Life just zips by moment after moment after moment and you can't quite catch up... I remember as a child having this overwhelming sense that I was totally out of control; like things were so much bigger than me and I could do nothing to shrink them back down to normal size. Often, when I was feverish, I'd go into these half dreams where I was being swallowed up by large boxes all around me. I saw boxes in my dream but they clearly represented something much more significant than that. This feeling oozed out into all areas in my life! The closer I stay to the Lord the less often this happens to me. I couldn't make sense of it as a child but today it explains itself to me as fear. That was a word I knew very well. I guess you could say on some level that fear was my best friend. I was afraid of everything. I kept it very close. I didn't realize until later that the only thing I wasn't afraid of was fear and as you know "the only thing to fear, is fear itself!" Guess I was a bit confused. This I now know is SO very true! Fear consumed me, it controlled me! SOME of my fears as a child: *My parents would die (I'd cry myself to sleep often with that one) *I was too fat (well, looking back I can see that was OUTRAGEOUS - why couldn't I see that then?) *I would never quite measure up to...(well I realize now my standards weren't the greatest) *living my dream of singing on stage - too afraid, not good enough! (all I can say is God is so good!) *giving birth to a child someday (OUCH!) *having a child by C-section someday (double ouch) *having a child with a devastating disease (heart wrenching) is it odd that I was thinking of these things even as a child? *swimming at the ocean (sharks, surf boards as I was almost decapitated by one, crabs biting my toes off!...) *going over a bridge, I was sure it would fall while I was on it * strangers, STRANGErs, STRANGERS!!!!!!!! *not fitting in, anywhere *roaches crawling in my ears at night (used cotton for that one!) *darkness *heights *car crashes *plane crashes *fear of animals - for every reason imaginable *getting sick, some rare disease and I'd die, my parents would be so sad *fear of my parents being so sad *fear of infinity the list could go on and on...I'll stop there. One thing I know now...fear is crippling! It holds you back, keeps you from "going for it." I have so many regrets from this. Yet God's grace and mercy in my life has brought me peace and comfort in ways I never thought imaginable. I woke up one day many years ago so TIRED of being afraid! So drained from focusing on myself, so exhausted (mentally and physically) of holding back for fear I wasn't good enough. Well, I have learned since then that even that fear has come true! I'm NOT good enough! If I were what would I need a Savior for? That truth provided me with so much freedom! I need Him, He doesn't NEED me yet He has chosen me to be His! Wow, I am loved. He wants to use me to further His kingdom. Who am I to hold back from that! I trust that He will equipt me in every situation He provides and if I fail He is always there to catch me and get me going again! It's not about me anyways, right! I am a fool, a fool for Christ and fear no longer has a HOLD on me! God has moved me so far from who I used to be. He does that doesn't He! Fear really is not much a part of my life which absolutely astonishes me. Only He is capable of changing a person from one extreme to another. That tunnel feeling I was "trying" to explain has been lurking over my shoulder all week! I believe it is the fear trying to find its way back into my life! My week has been so busy and has just raced by that I've barely made time for my very best friend. My friend who is always there for me no matter what. My friend who understands all my ups and downs, my friend who cleans the slate of my life EVERY time I come to Him! My friend who protects me from the grip of fear. My God! I find it very interesting that almost all of the fears I dwelled on as a child, I have in one way or another experienced as an adult...each time sensing the Lord say to me..."even in this I am here. I will bring you through all your trials and be there to watch you grow and light up the world." (Isa 46:4 Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.) Life is scary. It seems to get scarier as I get older yet my faith in God grows stronger each time I open His word, each time I mention the name of Jesus and each time I speak God's truth into others lives. I know God has a hopeful future for me and I am so honored to be a part of His plan. (Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.) I pray that you are blessed by what God has done in my life, despite my imperfections, He is Lord and He will succeed in His mission to make us more like Him as we surrender our hearts to Him. I love you Lord!!! Thank you for loving me in all my weakness! When I am weak (which is all the time!) HE IS STRONG!!!